Heroes of Olympus Parody
by DarkPaladin000
Summary: From the writers of 'The Lightning Thief Parody', we all now proudly present this fanfic because the last one wasn't ridiculous enough. So now, we'll be covering all of the second Gigantomachy in this fanfic, so it will be longer, but it will also take more time to update.
1. The Chapter No One Likes

**Disclaimer: ** I don't own Heroes of Olympus.

Remember how I said in the last fanfic that Percy lived with his pet scorpion happily ever after? Well guess what: I lied.

So anyway, Percy was walking towards a big meeting of Half-Bloods when his phone began to ring.

"Hello? Who is this?" Percy asked.

"I'm Kronos!" Kronos screamed. "And I want to talk to you!"

"Why?" Percy asked. There was silence from Kronos for a moment.

"Well, you see, my mobile network plan expires tomorrow and I only have one call left and I can't really go renew it since I've been thrown into Tartarus again, and your number is the only one I know besides my wife's, and we're not talking anymore, so, yeah… um… I mean that I'm totally going to destroy you! Yeah, I hate you so much that I'll freeze time just so that I can kill you over and over again!" Kronos said.

"Yeah, there are two things wrong with that," Percy said. "One, the gods don't even need time powers to torture someone like that. Two, I did a little research into your whole 'Lord of Time' thing and it turns out that you don't have any real temporal powers in the Greek myths. I think someone confused your name with Chronos, the real personification of time, and Cronos, which is you, so the directors have decided to strip you of your time powers in this fanfic."

"What? No! I only took this job for the time powers! Quick! My plan expires in three seconds! SOMEBODY CALL MY AGENT!"

With that, Kronos apparently hung up

Then, as Percy made his way towards the meeting, he stumbled upon Chiron who was just sitting there, looking bored.

"Shouldn't you be at the meeting, being Camp Counselor and all?" Percy asked.

"Really, Percy, are you going to tell me what to do now? Do you want to be counselor?" Chiron asked.

"It was nothing like that, just…" Percy began, before Chiron interrupted him.

"No, like, I'm serious. Do you want my job? Because I hate it. This is the worst job ever. Let me tell you, I was a big hotshot back in my day. I had the perfect life. But then I failed the entrance exam to go to Narnia fanfictions because I found out that my dad was Kronos and so Santa Claus was my half-brother and I went into depression because I always got coal, but anyway, once I failed, I lost everything. My girlfriend dumped me and my pet hamster ran away. Then, I was forced up to take a job in this ridiculous fanfic training morons who never even thank me in any way. On top of that, I have to go around in a wheelchair half of the time, and to top it all I'm now training a total idiot who doesn't even know what his name is. That, Perseus is why I'm depressed," Chiron said.

"Yeah, that was a waste of time because it wasn't about me and as we all know, I'm the main character and so anything important is about me," Percy said. "And anyway, I don't know which loser you're talking about, because I know my name very well. But who's this Perseus guy you're talking to?"

Chiron gave the audience an "Even the gods can't help this boy" look and went back to spacing out.

"Hey! Why did you look over there and give a total 'I'm talking to a moron' look? Is there someone invisible standing behind me?" Percy asked, looking around.

"One day, Percy, you'll learn about the fourth wall and how to break it," Chiron said. Percy decided that he had wasted enough time and proceeded to the meeting of Half-Bloods. Luckily, he wasn't late.

As he took his seat, Severus Snape burst in.

"Hello everyone, I'm the Half-Blood Prince. That means that I'm royalty and all of you are morons who will henceforth serve me until the end of time," he said.

"I think you're thinking of the wrong kind of half-blood," Percy said.

"No, I'm pretty sure I'm right," Snape said.

"I thought you were dead," Annabeth said.

"Plot hole, my dear, it happens," Snape said. "By the way, who are we supposed to be waiting for anyway?"

"We're waiting for Hermes to get here," Percy said. "He should be here soon."

**Six Hours Later**

Hermes finally managed to come into the meeting room.

"Why are you so late?" Percy asked; who had just woken up.

"A god is never late, and he is never early. He arrives exactly when his Godly Positioning System is finished recalculating," Hermes said.

"Godly Positioning System?" Grover asked.

"Yes. Also known as GPS. But it's totally messed up. See what it says now that I've finally reached my destination," Hermes said. He pressed a button on his GPS, and a voice said,

"You are currently at Fowl Manor. Travel five hundred miles to Hogwarts Castle, and then take a right for three centuries to arrive at your- recalculating."

"That was stupid," Percy said. "Everyone knows there are seven hundred miles between Hogwarts Castle and Fowl Manor."

"Once again, Mr. Jackson, you've missed the point," Hermes said.

"You mean the King of Pop is here?" Percy asked, wildly looking around to see where Michael Jackson was supposed to be. Apparently Percy doesn't know his last name either.

"Weren't you the one who designed the GPS?" Annabeth asked.

"No, that was Haephastus. All I did was interrupt him periodically and tell him to work harder while I sipped leisurely on orange juice, and then took credit for the entire invention," Hermes said.

"Something tells me this is going to be a looong meeting," Percy said.

**So yeah, rate and review like always. And I always like hearing what your favorite/most memorable parts were.**


	2. Luke, I Am Your Godfather

**Sorry for the super late update. I've been busy. **

**And another thing. Several influential people have come to me and told me that this series isn't ridiculous enough. (No, Demeter isn't one of them.) I agree, and you can be sure that I'll try with these things.**

"Listen up," Hermes said. "If you don't listen to me I'll turn this into a PJO/Twilight fanfic."

There were several gasps from the people gathered there, except for Grover who cheered for some odd reason.

"Now, there's a huge problem on Olympus. There's been a huge outbreak of new dance moves. First it was just the Gangnam Style, but now it has gone over to the Harlem Shake. Even most of the gods have fallen prey to it," Hermes continued.

"Then why haven't you?" Percy asked.

"I'm the God of Travel. I don't dwell on anything for a long time," Hermes explained.

"You mean like Luke?" Annabeth asked.

"Who's this Luke boy you speak of?" Hermes asked.

"You can't be serious. Even Percy remembers Luke," Annabeth said.

"Sure I do," Percy said. "Luke was a demigod who, along with his mentor, Kronos, who had been a Jedi Knight sailed the stars to avenge the death of his father, with Ethan Nakamura as his loyal pilot and Backbiter, a droid he had made himself. Along the way, he fell in love in love with a vampire by the name of Thalia Grace. Eventually, they reached the lair of the evil Darth Hera, who ordered you to fight Luke. During the fight, you shouted, 'Luke! I am your godfather!' Darth Hera wondered whether you were referring to the movie _The Godfather _or the fact that you were a father who's a god, so she momentarily forgot to keep shooting lightning at Luke. Then, you threw Darth Hades into Tartarus and died, after which Luke managed to defeat the Volturi. He then decided to marry a werewolf instead and became immortal and lived happily ever after until his premature demise after a tragic incident in which he slipped on a kiwi."

"Yeah, now I remember it," Hermes said. "That's exactly how it happened."

"But you just said Darth Hera and then Darth Hades," Annabeth said.

"They're basically the same person," Percy said. Annabeth just walked out of the room right then and there.

"So, anyway," Hermes said. "My dad and uncles were text messaging each other. I tapped into their phones, you know, because that's what I tend to do in my free time." Hermes slid a phone over on the table with a text message conversation going like this:

Poseidon: Hi Hades. What are you doing?

Hades: Do you realize what time it is? It's four in the morning.

Poseidon: We're gods, what does the time have to do with anything. And anyway, I was getting bored and Zeus said that he was too busy.

Hades: So what do you think I'm doing! I'm busy you know. And four in the morning is usually when I clean the toilet.

Poseidon: T_T

Hades: What is that?

Poseidon: It's a crying face.

Hades: No it isn't. I've made enough toddlers cry to recognize a real crying face when I see one.

Poseidon: No, like seriously, just look at it properly. Those lines at the top are supposed to be eyes, and that dash is the mouth.

Hades: Yeah, I see it now.

Poseidon: By the way, why are you cleaning your toilet.

Hades: It's fun.

Poseidon: Why?

Hades: Because I do it with Zeus' lightning bolt.

Poseidon: You too?

Hades: Yup.

Juice: What is this that I'm hearing?

Hades: You didn't mention he was a part of this group chat!

Poseidon: I forgot.

Hades: Yeah, well now he'll give us Punishment Level Eight: We'll be strapped to chairs and forced to watch Zeus talk about his stamp collection for twelve hours nonstop.

Juice: You guys are getting Punishment Level Nine.

Poseidon: What's level nine?

Juice: Let's just say that people prefer to be forced to hear Apollo's poetry nonstop for a week to level nine.

Poseidon: Uhh, I'm just a random dork who found this phone on the word. Me no speak English. Que pasa? Bon voyage?

Hades: Wait. It appears I left my autocorrect on. That's why my phone's been spouting nonsense. Now it works fine.

Juice: I'm not falling for it! But your punishment can wait until later. I've noticed that there's something dark possessing Olympus. After five seconds of intense thinking, I've come to the conclusion that the one behind this has to be Kronos, our evil stepfather.

Poseidon: Wasn't he just our father?

Juice: Yes. But according to Disney, your birth parents can't be evil, so we should make him our stepfather.

Hades: Look, this letter came from Tartarus, and it's for you. It says:

Dear Zeus,

This is from your dad. You may remember me as I swallowed all of you at birth just like any loving father would do. So anyway, as I was sunbathing in Tartarus and enjoying a nice cup of coffee, I found out that the word on the street is that you think that I'm behind whatever's happening on Olympus. Well, the thing is that I'm not. So shut up.

Your Loving Father,

Kronos

P.S. The moment I'm out of here I'm going to destroy all of you.

Juice: …

Poseidon: That letter has so many things wrong with it that I don't even know where to start.

Hades: So what is this problem on Olympus anyway?

Juice: Well, there's something huge that swept across Olympus. And it's corrupted almost everyone, even the gods.

Hades: What?

Juice: The Harlem Shake.

Poseidon: …

Hades: …

Poseidon: You know what Hades, let's have a deal. You can hold Zeus' hands behind his back and I'll punch him.

Hades: Deal.

Juice: Hey! I'm serious here. And this is coming from the guy who didn't do anything in the last fanfic?

Poseidon: What do you mean?

Hades: He has a point you know. In the Lightning Thief Parody Zeus and I did a whole lot of stuff. You kind of just, you know, stood there.

Poseidon: Not true. I gave Zeus coal for Christmas. I should get at least three Oscars for that.

Juice: In other words you were just comic relief.

_Poseidon has signed out._

Hades: Crybaby.

_Hades has signed out._

Juice: Argh. I'm the last one out again.

_Juice has signed out._

"What are we supposed to infer from that?" Percy asked.

"Take a look at this," Hermes said. He held up a piece of paper that said: Percy wuz here. The gods are losers.

"I didn't write that," Percy said.

"But Zeus thinks you did," Hermes said.

"Well, my name's misspelled on that," Percy pointed out. Everyone groaned, but Grover still decided to ask because he was Percy's best friend.

"How is your name spelled like?" Grover asked.

"P-E-R-S-E-U-S," Percy said proudly. Everyone face palmed at that moment.


	3. Pillow Pets

The snake-haired ladies were starting to annoy Percy.

After all, he was carrying a huge amount of pillow pets in his arms. The store attendant had told him he could take as many as he could, so Percy threw out all of the so-called 'necessities' from his bag like food and his ticket to a ferry. Sure, now he'd have to walk nine hundred miles and starve and put his life on the line, but come on, these were pillow pets.

Percy was forced to walk slow. But no matter where he went, the gorgons seemed to always find him. It was probably because he hadn't paid for any of his pillow pets and they could track it from their id numbers, but there was no way that Percy was going to abandon a single one of them.

He stopped and looked over a hilltop. His spider sense told him that his destination was going to be right down below, but he needed to figure out how to get there. He still remembered his meeting two hours ago with Lupa and her pack of Chihuahuas.

_"Percy Jackson," she had said in that cute little voice. "Welcome to the wild. Here there are no rules, and you can do anything you want."_

_"You mean, I can go on Disney Channel's website without my parent's permission?" Percy asked incredulously._

_"Seriously? I say there are no rules and that's what you come up with?" Lupa asked. _

_"But how am I here? Last I remember in last chapter we were sitting around and talking about useless stuff and I was spelling my name," Percy said._

_"Yes, I remember that. That was totally stupid. But anyway, I'm here to tell you that there are also Roman demigods and a separate Roman camp," Lupa said._

_"That opens up around five billion plot holes, but I'll accept it," Percy said._

After that, Lupa had decided to train him. Percy had spent a whole hour perfecting his ability to walk, feed, and bathe dogs until they thought he was ready and allowed to leave. Now that he thought about it, all of those skills had been completely useless to his survival.

As Percy was thinking about that, Stheno walked up to him and asked him if he wanted to buy something.

Euryale screamed at her. "I find it insulting that you're the only one whose personality the fanfic writer didn't change to fit this fanfic!"

"Look, ladies," Percy said. "I think we all know that we love pillow pets. So can I go now."

"No!" Euryale screamed. "You killed Medusa! And you didn't use a question mark in your last sentence!"

"No I didn't," Percy said. "That was Brock from Pokemon."

"Oh," Euryale said. "I suppose that's okay then." Both of the Gorgons then flied away and Percy live happily ever after.

Scratch that last part.

Percy looked down at the cliff. There was an elevator and a bunch of stairs that would have led down there safely, but because Percy was as smart as a tree stump he decided the best way to go down was to jump.

He reached the bottom very bruised and saw Lady Hera. She was dressed so that anyone could tell that she was a goddess.

"A hippie lady!" Percy screamed. Well, almost anyone.

"I am not a hippy, child." Hera said. "I am a goddess and I'm here to tell you all about the problems and plug in any plot holes..."

"We don't have time!" Percy said. "You need to ride on my back, hippie lady, so I can carry you across a river."

"I don't want to-"

"Quick." Percy said. Hera sighed and got on Percy's back. The moment she did this, Percy collapsed.

"You're too heavy," he complained.

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE, IDIOT!" Hera shouted. She then made herself lighter so Percy could finally walk.

Percy walked pretty slowly since he was carrying all of his pillow pets. Not only that, he walked while looking up at the sky so all the cars narrowly missed him by inches. It took all of Hera's power to prevent him from hitting a car.

"Now, Percy, you have two options," Hera said. "You can either go to the sea, where you'll be safe, or walk towards the Roman camp, where you might have a chance of saving your friends."

"I choose the sea," Percy said.

"But your friends will die!"

"Too bad for them!" Percy said. Hera sighed.

"Okay, but then you'll lose your pillow pets too."

Percy gasped. He didn't care if anyone destroyed camp and killed Grover or Chiron or those other annoying minor characters which weren't him, but he had to pull himself together for their sake.

**A/N: Wow! This came a whole lot later than I expected. I decided to start with Percy and think about Jason's half later on. By the way, if you like the comedy in this, you might want to check out A Camp Full of Idiots that I wrote.**


	4. The Beginning of the Odd Quest

The last we noted, our young hero, Perseus Jackson-

"Who's this Perseus guy again?" Percy asked as he made his way to the river Tiber.

Hera couldn't believe the situation. This kid was so retarded she wondered why he and her husband didn't get along. And why was she was being carried? She had legs, but this kid seemed to want to do it for some reason while holding all of his pillow pets.

After five hours they finally reached the river Tiber because Percy was slowed down by the pillow pets.

"Percy," Hera said. "If you cross the Tiber, you will lose the skin of Achilles."

"And more importantly, my pillow pets will get wet," Percy said. He couldn't find a way to cross the river so he started crying.

"Why doesn't he just part the river using his powers?" Hazel asked.

"Because that would be the logical thing to do," Frank answered.

In the end, Percy saw the bridge that was there and climbed under it for some reason. He was perfectly dry when he went to the other side, but Hera wasn't.

When they did reach the other side, Hera had enough and got off of him. The Romans recognized she was a god since they had IQs in the double digits and bowed.

"Why is everyone bowing to hippie lady?" Percy asked.

Hera sighed. If this kid wasn't going to recognize that she was a goddess from the magical aura she was giving, or the fact that she was ten feet tall, then he was so medically stupid that nothing was going to work.

"Anyway," Hera said, "I wanted to tell you all that you're going to be attacked by giants."

"Giants?" Percy asked. "You mean like the soccer team?"

Everyone groaned and Hera left before she could finish her message.

After that, Percy groaned as he carried his pillow pets towards the Praetor's place. Unfortunately, Frank had taken his panda pillow pet and gave it up as sacrifice.

"No!" Percy shouted. He looked back at his pile, and he had around three pandas left. "I don't have any left!" he wailed.

"I'm sorry Percy," Frank said.

"You have to make up for it!"

"How?"

"Turn into a panda so I can hug you."

"Wait-no!" Frank said and Percy began chasing him all over the place before he got tired and went to see Reyna.

"Look, Percy," Reyna said. "The producers of this show thought that it would be good for their to be some more romance here. Do you want to go out with me."

"No," Percy said.

"Why not?" Reyna asked, confused.

"Because, I've decided that Frank's going to turn into a panda and that we're going to live together instead!" Percy said.

Just then, Hazel burst into the room. "No! I'm not handing Frank over to anyone! The only one who he's going to live with after turning into a panda is me!"

"I don't wanna be a panda," Frank moaned. Both Percy and Hazel yelled "Shut up!" and threw stuff at him.

Then, Percy grew so angry that he drew out his sword. He made it from some styrofoam that he had found somewhere.

Everyone gasped.

"Percy," Reyna said. "Styrofoam's the only thing that can harm celestial creatures, aside from cardboard. We use cardboard here at camp and paint it yellow and call it Imperial Gold because it sounds cooler."

"It doesn't matter, I want a panda!" Percy said.

"This conversation is so wrong," Frank said. "Shouldn't the whole thing have been censored already?"

CENSORED

It was finally time for the daily game of capture the fort. Percy had been accepted into the Fifth Cohort.

For some reason, he had dressed up in a Batman costume instead of armor.

"Percy, have you ever played war games before?" Frank asked.

"Yeah, I always wear this," Percy answered.

Just then, the war game began. Frank, as always, had a plan, but Percy messed it up completely.

Percy was a terror. To his own team. He kept running around swinging his styrofoam sword like crazy and saying lines from the Batman movies and forcing water to drown all of them.

Thanks to him, the Fifth, Fourth, and Third cohorts suffered their first loss in eight hundred years.

When the game was over, they saw that someone had stabbed Gwen with a spear.

Because Percy was dressed up as Batman, he thought that he needed to put his detective skills to the work. He saw that Octavian had been the only one unaccounted for, Octavian was the only without a spear, and the fingerprints on the weapon belonged to Octavian. There could only be one logical explanation...

"Frank did it!" Percy shouted.

"How did you possibly reach that conclusion?" Frank asked.

"It's eleventarary," Percy said. "Frank was secretly dated Gwen, but he knew that his true calling was to be a panda, so he had to murder her in cold blood to hide the fact."

Before anyone could comment on that, Mars appeared. Everybody bowed except Percy since he was too stupid to figure out what was going on.

"I'm Mars, patron of Rome," Mars said.

"Aren't you Ares?" Percy asked.

"No, the Romans named me differently," Mars said. "Don't you know?"

"Yes I do!" Percy said. "I bet they liked you so much they named you after their favorite candy!" Percy held up a Mars Bar in his hand.

Mars looked at Percy like he was considering beating him up, but decided that would just be a waste of time.

"Listen up!" he said. "Zeus said I could only be here until he counted up to twelve. Knowing him, that gives us at least twenty minutes, but let's be quick about this."

"Haven't we fought before?" Percy asked.

"No we haven't," Mars said.

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"No we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"FINE THEN! WE'VE FOUGHT BEFORE! NOW CAN WE MOVE ON!" Mars shouted.

"Wait," Percy said. "Nothing slips by Batman! I now remember that I really fought Apollo since you couldn't come. I bet you were trying to trick me into thinking we had fought before, but you couldn't fool someone with my brains."

Mars did everyone a favor and knocked Percy unconscious.

"Now, let me tell you what's going to happen," Mars said. "I'm Frank's father, and I want him to lead a quest to open the doors of death. That's what's helping Gwen recover."

Gwen had managed to heal while no one was looking.

"So, I want you to go with that idiot so that he can learn something and free Thanatos before we all die. That is all." Mars said.

Above, Zeus had finally managed to count to twelve. It was a whole lot quicker than anyone had expected, so Mars left.


	5. The Voyage of the Dumb Treader

Before we continue on with our story, let's have a word from our sponsors:

_When your cable goes out, you go on a picnic._

_When you go on a picnic, monsters find you._

_When monsters find you, you brutally defeat them._

_When you brutally defeat them, Ares notices you and challenges you to a fight._

_When Ares challenges you to a fight, you defeat him and send him crying back to Hera._

_When you send Ares crying back to Hera, he curses you._

_When Ares curses you, while fighting a Titan you can't raise your sword and die._

_Don't be unable to raise your sword while fighting a Titan and die- buy Hephaestus direct TV today!_

Percy had a few weird dreams. He dreamed their was this Satyr talking in a weird French accent to him. And seriously, the guy's accent was so bad even Percy could tell that it was a fake. But he quickly woke up and decided to be on his way.

Percy was walking towards the Senate House when he stopped by a kid wearing goth clothes- Nico.

"Who are you?" Percy asked.

"Psst... Percy, don't you remember me?" Nico asked.

"Um, let's see, you're wearing black clothes and you're radiating power like a child of the Big Three... Thalia?"

"With the level of stupidity you're showing you can only either be Percy or Zeus in disguise. How come you don't remember me?"

"Let's see, you're name's Blinco, right?" Percy asked.

"Nico."

"Whatever," Percy said. "Look, Blinco, the truth is that you might be a minor character, but that's it, a minor character. You can't expect the hero of this story, me, to remember every single little person like you who comes up my way."

"Percy, you're not the only hero of this story. There are six more," Nico said. "And anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I came here and can't get out. I was just playing _Nintendogs _when I wandered over here and now I can't leave."

As usual though, Percy ignored him because his conversation didn't involve the person who who was the most important- Percy.

The Senate meeting began with Nico explaining what had happened to the other people present.

"Look, let me explain how death works," Nico said. "You see, the Censor Board is usually responsible for making sure that deaths go unnoticed in this Fanfic so that it remains kid-friendly. But lately, they've grown tired of doing this and have banded forces with Gaea and chained Thanatos. So now, when people die they can just have them come back to life instead of having to cover it up. Only a small fraction of the Censor Board has agreed to help them though, but still, the entire Censor Team is facing problems."

"Wait," Percy said. "Do you mean to say that the Censor Board is out? That's great, there's been loads of things that I've wanted to do but couldn't because I knew they would get censored."

CENSORED

"Percy, I said that deaths weren't censored. Everything else is pretty fine," Nico said. "So, like I was saying, our only option is to go to the Arctic and free Thanatos and free death. I guess Mars asked Frank to lead the quest, so he's the leader."

"No way Jose," Percy said. "I'm the main character here, did you guys forget that? That means that I should be leading the quest."

"Quiet down Percy," Octavian said. Octavian then proceeded to give a brilliant speech on how Percy and Frank were probably going to mess things up and they shouldn't listen to them. It was well said, but most of the other Senate members were too busy playing on their Nintendo 3Dses to pay attention to him.

"I think Octavian's plan was good," Percy said. Everyone froze and immediately voted to cancel Octavian's plan. If Percy agreed with it, everyone knew that meant that it was stupid.

And so, Frank set out towards the harbor. Unfortunately, he had made the mistake of sending Percy to ready the boat.

When Frank and Hazel came back, they saw that Percy was sitting in an old rowboat with his pillow pets filling everything.

"Percy, what happened?" Hazel asked. "I mean we decided to take the Roman Navy's luxury cruise ship. Where'd it go?"

"I sold it," Percy said. "You see, they said that I could only take one pillow pet per person if I got on, so I decided to trade it for some other vessel where I could make the rules. So I decided to trade a cruise ship for this boat, and though I cause billions of dollars loss to the Roman Navy, at least my pillow pets are safe."

**Pillow Pets are more important than the Fate of the Universe apparently.**

"Okay, this is my fault, I shouldn't have trusted Percy," Frank said.

"It's good that you're taking up responsibility like a good leader," Percy said.

"I thought you said that Frank couldn't be our leader?" Hazel asked.

"Yeah, but in case something goes wrong, I need something to blame, right?" Percy said. Frank sighed.

"Whatever Percy, just, just, get rid of those pets so Hazel and I can sit in there," Frank said.

"NO!" Percy shouted. "Frank, turn into a dolphin or panda and carry Hazel across with you."

"Percy, I don't think pandas can swim," Frank said. In the end, after a lot of tears, they threw some of Percy's pillow pets overboard. Percy started sobbing while they were on their way and started singing Justin Bieber songs. The sea spirits grew angry and threw rocks at Percy. One of them hit him in the head.

Percy collapsed. "Guys, I think this is the end. A legend dies tonight. Frank... I want you to carry my last words. Tell Zeus that I accepted his friend request on Facebook... tell Hades that I don't want to be his Farmville buddy. Tell Blinco that I still don't remember who he is, tell Dionysus that ninjas are better than pirates. Tell Thalia that yes, that dress makes her look fat. Tell Rachel that I love reading Perachel fanfics and tell Luke that I always wanted to audition for _Shake It Up! Miami _with him. And most importantly of all, tell Annabeth that I COMPLETELY HATE HER GUTS!"

"And a last request," Percy continued. "Tell my fangirls I love them."

"Percy, don't you remember? People can't die now." Frank said.

"Oh yeah," Percy said and got up. He began singing again and someone threw a rock at him again. He did the whole I'm-going-to-die sequence again and again while the same thing happened.

Frank groaned. This was going to be a very long trip.


	6. The Dumb Treader Carries On

_The Dumb Treader _wasn't making much time. First of all, Frank began wondering why Percy had named the ship _The Dumb Treader._

"It's The D.U.M.B Treader!" Percy said.

"Percy, one, when you give an acronym, you write it in caps," Frank said. "And two, what is D.U.M.B. supposed to stand for?"

"Uh, I kind of don't remember," Percy said.

Frank just sighed. The name was the least of their worries. He was sure that Percy was heading in the wrong direction, and from whatever he could tell, they were moving at around two inches per minute.

"Percy, do you know where we are?" Hazel asked.

"Yes," Percy said proudly. "We are at latitude eleventy-four, longitude green, and moving at three megabytes an hour."

Frank and Hazel pretty much gave up after that. Instead, they decided to review their backstories while Percy completely ignored them.

"Percy, aren't you going to listen to what we're saying?" Frank asked.

"W'ever," Percy said.

"What's that?" Hazel asked.

"Whatever shortened," Percy said. "Like seriously, who wants to hear your boring backstories. You're not even main characters here."

"Percy, yes we are," Frank said. "That's why part of the chapters are told from our point of view." Percy just couldn't believe that. Frank had to shove _The Son of Neptune _script in his face for Percy to believe it.

Percy was aghast. "You mean... there are actual chapters that aren't told from my point of view? Why not? The whole five books were from my point of view, you know why? Because I'm the most special and important! I just can't imagine that they'd all go and do such a thing like this. Didn't the fans of this series riot when they realized that I wasn't the most special anymore?"

Percy kept ranting and still didn't bother listening to Hazel and Frank. On the way, he insisted on stopping at the Krusty Krab for lunch, but the other two convinced him not to take it.

On the way they also passed by Mt. Othrys and the Statue of Liberty, which told them that Percy was way worse at navigating then they had expected.

"That's Mt. Othrys," Hazel said. "I heard Jason fought Krious on it. Can you imagine, hand-to-hand combat with a Titan?"

"No," Percy said.

"Really? Didn't you defeat Kronos?" Frank asked.

"Yeah, but I don't think I really every fought him. I think I beat him in a game of Mythomagic and he sort of exploded afterwards," Percy said.

But anyway, they had already travelled a lot and decided to stop by a town for supplies and other things.

"So, I think food's the first order of business," Frank said. "What do you want Percy? Pancakes?"

That was evidently the wrong thing to say, because Percy started freaking out like crazy.

"What's wrong?" Frank asked, worried.

"You can't eat pancakes! Pancakes are evil! Pancakes are served in Hades!" Percy shouted.

**Meanwhile in Hades**

"Oh goodie," Hades said as he sat in his throne room. This was his favorite time of the day- time to eat pancakes. Once they were done he took out his favorite plate and began eating.

But the strange thing was that Hades was getting the weirdest vibe. As if some Son of Poseidon had just insulted pancakes and he should go smite him. Oh well.

**And now back to our story.**

In the end, Percy and gang had burgers. Hazel had left, which she said was to look at some things, but Frank knew it was to get away from Percy. The thing was, when Percy finally listened to Frank and Hazel's backstory, he kept trying to make sure Hazel knew about thing in the twenty-first century by pointing them out. It was a pretty nice idea, except for the fact that Percy really was stupid.

"Look, Hazel," he would say while pointing up. "That's called the sky. Did they have that when you were a girl? Or the grass? Or trees? Or water?"

When they had tried to pay for their meal with money, Percy found it necessary to explain what it was. "Look, we don't use the barter system anymore."

And then, as they had passed a school bus, "As you can see, we no longer ride to school on dinosaurs like kids did in the 1900s."

Honestly, Frank couldn't blame her for walking away.

Percy just had to burst into a comics shop though. When Frank dragged him away, Percy kept muttering things about 'the Plan'.

"What plan?" Frank asked.

"Well, you see, though the gods of Olympus have decided to save the world through various means, I decided to invest in a much riskier idea," Percy began. "The Avengers- a team of earth's finest heroes. We can have Thalia be Captain America, you know, since she has a shield and was thought dead for a long time but then came back. Then Jason can be Thor, Leo can be Iron Man, and you can be Hawkeye."

Percy kept babbling while Frank did the actual work of procuring weapons and such. It was pretty hard since Percy pretty much ran into every other shop he saw. He insisted on getting things that were of absolutely no use at all like keychains and the like.

He also wanted to go see a movie, but when he saw that they were airing _The Dark Nico Rises _he started pouting. "That traitor Nico, I should've known that he would betray us and become a D.C. Comic character."

Frank was seriously starting to consider just abandoning Percy and going on his way. That was, until he realized that Hazel hadn't come back.

Oh no, he thought.


	7. The Lost Spartans

**A/N: Here at the Heroes of Olympus Parody, we like to believe Rick Riordan copied and mutilated _our_ ideas.**

Even before he had gotten electrocuted, Jason was having a rotten day.

For one, he had suddenly found himself in the backseat of a bus with no idea what his memory was or who he was. As a matter of fact, he couldn't remember anything.

That wasn't necessarily the rotten part. Jason just assumed that he had somehow found his way into a _Fire Emblem _game and he was the main character.

What was rotten though, was the fact that he was wearing a chicken costume.

Even more rotten, everyone else was also wearing one. Jason figured that if he hung around with people who wore chicken costumes all day long, then his life must be pretty messed up.

But then again, if he was a part of a _Fire Emblem _game, why wasn't anyone asking him who he was? The whole thing didn't make much sense until the bus finally stopped.

The head guy who was wearing the most elaborate chicken costume took off his chicken head. He looked like this really old gym teacher.

"Now listen up cupcakes!" Coach Hedge shouted. As you can probably guess, Coach Hedge is another one of those people whose personality we could leave intact for this parody.

The guy kept ploughing on with the usual garbage.

All of them got off to see the grand canyon. Someone besides him tried to do some flapping noises. That was obviously Leo.

Jason had no idea how he knew that person was named Leo. Or that the other girl was named Piper. Another _Fire Emblem _reference.

Coach Hedge told them to get onto the skywalk. It was apparently kept together using duct tape and staples, but Jason was sure that that wouldn't compromise its structural stability.

Things were all going well. Until of course, Coach Hedge began eyeing the sky suspiciously.

"Well, I think everything is going well," Coach Hedge said. Of course, at that very moment the Venti began attacking.

They grabbed Leo and threw him off the cliff. He tried flapping but couldn't stay airborne (seriously, doesn't he know that chickens can't fly?)

"I'll get him!" Coach Hedge said and took off his shoes to reveal hooves.

"You're a faun!" Jason exclaimed.

"Satyr, boy," Coach Hedge said. "Fauns are Narnian!"

Coach Hedge gave Jason his club and jumped down to get back Leo.

Jason threw his club at the Venti but all it did was go through it.

Just then Jason took out a coin and flipped it. It changed into a sword midway.

Too bad he didn't catch it. It nearly cut off his foot.

"Can I try that again?" Jason asked.

"Sure why not," the Ventus said. "I mean we could've killed them anytime I wanted too but you know, we held out, 'cause that's what villains do."

Jason tried and got the hang of it after five tries. But then of course, his attacks missed and went through the Ventus.

The Ventus then laughed and shot a lightning bolt at Jason.

Jason just got up though.

"What? That was enough lightning to kill 20 men. This is madness!" the Ventus said.

"Madness? Blasphemy? This is Sparta!" Coach Hedge screamed from behind, grabbed his club, and swung it at the Ventus.

Now, that should have just went through him, but since Coach Hedge said something cool, and since we all know that according to movie logic, when you shout cool things you get special powers, so the Ventus disintegrated.

Now that the threat was over, Coach Hedge began wondering where their reinforcements from camp were coming.

"Looks like we have to go there the old-fashioned way," Coach Hedge said.

"We're going to walk?" Leo asked.

"Yes. Spartans! Start marching!" Coach Hedge said.

Eventually, after traveling two hundred miles on foot they found a bus and reached Camp Half-Blood a week later.

"I wonder why no one came to pick us up," Coach Hedge said.

As they all disembarked, they saw that Camp Half-Blood looked a whole different from what they had imagined. There were loud noises coming from everywhere.

"What's going on?" Jason asked a nearby Satyr.

"We're partying!" the Satyr screamed. "Percy Jackson somehow managed to get lost and hasn't returned in weeks! The celebrations are still going on."

They all saw that the campers were erecting huge statues of Percy only to burn them to the ground and dance on their ashes. They guessed this was why someone had forgotten to pick them up.

Before they could walk any further, a hologram of Hera appeared. There was something wrong with her. She looked wet and her perm was ruined.

She kept muttering something about an idiot and a river, but once she saw that she had been connected, she decided to talk.

"Ahem. Attention demigods. Stop whatever you're doing. I have been imprisoned."

Hera had been imprisoned. Everyone stopped partying. Then they stared again because they really didn't care.

"Why don't you just break out?" Leo asked.

"I can't. My prison is made out of pure cardboard," Hera said. "So now you all need to send a team to get me."

"Nobody wants you," someone said from the crowd.

Hera frowned. "If you don't, I'll bring Percy Jackson back."

All activities ceased immediately. All campers immediately began forming a plan.

"Here here," Chiron said. "It's clear that none of us is going to bother to go get Hera back. So let's send these new campers who no one cares about."

"Okay," Jason said. He agreed to take the quest for reasons unknown.

Meanwhile, Leo was hunting around for the bronze dragon when...

**Cue Wild Pokemon Music**

_A bronze dragon appeared!_

_Bronze dragon used scary face!_

_It had no effect!_

_Leo threw a Pokeball!_

_Bronze dragon broke free!_

_Bronze dragon used flamethrower!_

_It had no effect!_

_Leo used huge trap safety net and changed control disc!_

_Gotcha! Bronze dragon was caught._

_Would you like to give a nickname to the caught Bronze dragon?_

"I'll call you Festus!" Leo said.


	8. I Meet the Anti- Santa Claus

"Where do you think Hazel is?" Frank asked Percy.

"She was kidnapped by various grain monsters and taken to a field far from here," Percy said.

"How do you know that?" Frank asked.

"She just texted me five minutes ago."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS SOONER!" Frank shouted.

"Because you didn't ask," Percy replied. Frank face-palmed.

They made their way towards a field where Hazel was standing on something and the grains were whirling around her.

"Stop evil fishes!" Percy screamed.

"Watch out! He'll burn all of you. He's crazy, trust me," Hazel said. She really meant that last statement.

The grains ran away while Frank and Percy cut them to pieces using their styrofoam and cardboard weapons.

"So, what are you standing on?" Frank asked.

"I don't know, it is supposed to be a gemstone, but it looks like it's also something else," Hazel said.

"Hey, I know what these are," Percy said. "These are one of those remote censorship control panels they used long ago."

This was one of those one in a billion moments when Percy was right about something. Percy began tampering with it to see if it worked.

"Percy don't [removed] that [censored] because [edited] and [bleep]. [Omitted]! Why [blocked] and [cut]?" Hazel said.

"Wow, Hazel, you need to use less profanity," Percy said.

"Percy, Hazel didn't say anything wrong. You're the one who's messing with the censoring control pad. Now come on, we have to go," Frank said.

"[Bleeped]" Hazel muttered as they walked away.

"Percy," Frank whined.

"I didn't do anything this time!" Percy said. The censoring control pad was ten feet behind him, so he couldn't have done it.

But before Frank could dwell on this anymore, Hazel said something.

"I can't believe we have to go to Alaska. It's the land beyond the gods, and our powers won't be as strong there," she muttered.

"Mine will," Percy said. "The closer I get to the North Pole the more powerful I get."

"Why is that?" Frank asked.

"My father's Poseidon, whose other part is Santa Claus. And where does Santa Claus live? The North Pole. I bet we might even meet my brother Tyson the cyclopes there."

"What do cyclopses do at the North Pole?" Hazel asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Percy said. "They work at the cyclopses forges at the North Pole. That's where Santa gets all of his presents from."

"Wait, there's something just behind the forest," Frank said.

They all crouched down when they noticed the most horrible thing. No, it wasn't Apollo dancing. It was a line of monsters being led by a huge giant who was dressed up in a black fur coat. The skin of reindeers hung across him and evil little gnomes kept following him.

"Polybotes," Percy whispered. "A giant and enemy of Poseidon. He's like an anti-Santa Claus."

Behind him were several different animals and monsters.

"I can't believe they haven't smelled us out yet," Hazel said.

"Don't worry, I put up a sign so they wouldn't find us," Percy said.

"What sign?" Hazel and Frank asked.

Percy had somehow managed to make a sign within a few seconds which said: THERE ARE NO DEMIGODS HIDING HERE. PLEASE MOVE ON. Of course, the spelling wasn't as good as we're showing, but we'd thought that we'd save you the headache.

"There are lots of things down there," Percy said. "There's demonic chocolate cows."

"Chocolate cows?"

"Where do you think chocolate mile comes from?" Percy asked. "And look, there are centaurs too. I wonder what they're doing on the dark side."

"Centaurs aren't good," Frank said. "I heard a lot of stories of them getting drunk and shooting heroes."

"Really?" Percy asked. "Because all Chiron did was sit and whine."

Just then, Polybotes stopped. He sniffed the air and looked at the convenience store.

"I smell... the spirit of Santa nearby," he said. He looked in Percy's direction and read the sign. "But the sign says otherwise. Maybe I'll believe it."

He then looked towards the convenience store and saw how rainbowy it was. He just couldn't stand that and so sent his evil garden gnomes to attack it.

Polybotes moved on, but while doing so... he... started... eating... pancakes.

Percy collapses when he saw all of those pancakes.


	9. This Is Not A Chapter

**A/N: So, like all of you must know, I pretty much skipped the other four books of the PJO series. Still, there were a lot of scenes that I was wondering over the past few weeks that I could've written about. Though I can't write the four books in parody form, I decided to throw around these few stories of various clips.**

* * *

**Story 1, takes place on Olympus on any time you like**

All of the gods were gathered on Olympus. Zeus decided to start the meeting by telling them all the story of how he decided to overthrow Kronos. Everyone groaned.

"So," Zeus began. "As you all know, the rest of my siblings had been swallowed whole by my father while I was raised alone far away. I spent most of my beginner years watching _Blues' Clues _and _Barney and Friends. _I have to admit, it was a nice time."

Just then, lightning crackled. Overdramatic. "But then, something happened, something so horrible that it destroyed my world completely. It was while I was dipping my Oreos in milk and eating them that it happened. I kept one cookie in my milk for too long, and then, it crumbled. And then I watched it sink beneath my milk. It left me mentally and emotionally scarred."

"Of course," Demeter said. "Losing a cookie is bad, you know, nothing compared to being eaten by your father and living in his stomach for years."

"Thanks for understanding sis," Zeus said. He began sobbing as he remembered the moment.

"Dad, are you going to cry every time this part comes?" Ares asked.

"Yes, it's just too horrible," Zeus said. He then gripped his Master Bolt tightly as he emanated rage. "It was while my cookie dissolved in milk and I couldn't eat it, the worst time of my life, that I realized my true purpose. After my cookie sank, I decided then and there that I had to overthrow my father and take his throne. I began by making him listen to some Justin Bieber music which caused him to vomit my other siblings out, and then I overthrew him."

If you're wondering where the logic in that line of reasoning is, trust us, the other gods were thinking the same thing.

"But anyway," Zeus said. "Now it's snack time." A bowl of Oreos and milk came out of nowhere. But while Zeus dipped one in his milk, it crumbled and fell in.

In a completely unrelated note, there were several mysterious lightning strike across the globe. Also, some people said that they heard some mysterious noises from the top of the Empire State Building as if someone was crying.

* * *

**Story 2, takes place during the Sea of Monsters when Percy and the gang were fighting Polyphemus**

"How on earth do we beat him?" Annabeth asked.

"I have a plan! I have a plan!" Percy screamed excitedly.

"Shut up Percy, he'll hear us," Annabeth said. "And what kind of plan do you have?"

Percy said it was a secret, probably because he had read too much _Artemis Fowl _and thought the plan was only going to be revealed at the end. Annabeth probably should have known better to trust a plan that Percy had made, but she didn't have much of a choice.

Polyphemus was getting ready to eat Grover and marry Clarisse. Just then Percy appeared.

"Hello Mr. Polyphemus," Percy said. He emerged from behind a rock.

"Who's there?" Polyphemus roared.

"It's me," Percy said.

"Whad'ya want?" Polyphemus asked.

"Well, you see, we heard that you were getting married," Percy said.

If this plan succeeds, Annabeth thought, by the gods I'll admit that Percy is a genius.

"Yeah so?" Polyphemus asked.

"Well, I am a messenger from dad who wanted to give you a nice wedding present," Percy said. "It's a bottle of shampoo so you'll look your finest."

"Thanks," Polyphemus said as he took the bottle. He didn't have much hair, but he was still thankful. "So, it is anti-tear, right?"

"Yup," Percy lied.

Polyphemus took out the shampoo and began rubbing it in his hair. But a bit of it trickled off and touched his eye.

"It burns!" he screamed. Percy had actually used soap water because he knew this would have happened. Polyphemus ran around screaming and fell into a crevice.

That took care of him, but now Percy had to remove the boulder that was sealing Grover and Clarisse inside.

He tried banging against it, but it was no use. The boulder was made out of pure cardboard, so his powers were useless against it.

Luckily, he had brought a plastic sword. Now, as well all know there are three weapons that are dangerous to celestial beings: cardboard, plastic, and styrofoam.

"Plastic beats cardboard!" Percy shouted and cut off the boulder. And so, Clarisse and Grover were freed.

"Percy," Annabeth said. By some miracle, Percy's plan had actually worked, so now she had to admit that Percy was a genius. "You're a- you're a- you're a-"

But the thing was, she just couldn't say it. As we all know, saying that Percy is a genius goes against several natural laws and instincts. Annabeth kept trying to say it for ten minutes but couldn't.

In the end she just shouted, "PercyJacksonyou'reagenius!" real fast so technically she had still fulfilled her vow.

* * *

**Story 3, takes place in the Olympian Throne room at the end of The Last Olympian**

Kronos, as Luke, slowly advanced towards the thrones. Victory was just in his sights.

"Not so fast!" Percy shouted.

Kronos whipped around, but didn't see him. Percy shouted it again.

"Where are you?" Kronos asked.

Percy came after ten minutes.

"The stairs were long, took too much time," Percy said in-between gasps. "That's why I said 'not so fast', I wanted you to slow down."

Kronos face palmed. "You.. are just a disgrace. I've decided to kill you instead of destroying the Olympian Throne room and winning the war now that I've seen your stupidity."

"I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown," Percy said.

"Name your game."

"Yu-Gi-Oh!" Percy shouted.

"What?"

"You know, the card game. We can use godly powers and the mist to make monsters come to life and battle with them," Percy said.

"Eh. That game's old," Kronos said. "It went downhill once they started that Zexal nonsense. Let's do Mythomagic instead."

And so, a Mythomagic game of epic proportions began, with the fate of the world resting on the outcome.

But while Percy was playing, it was clear that he was about to lose. This, her realized, was a time for him to show his bravery.

"Look! A monkey!" Percy shouted and pointed away. While Kronos was looking away, Percy switched around the cards so that he was winning. He then finished off Kronos.

"You cheated!" Kronos screamed as a fissure appeared and he fell into Tartarus. "I won't be going alone!" he screamed. With a final breath, he dragged Percy inside and the fissure closed.

Just then, the other gods and various other minor characters appeared and began crying that Percy had sacrificed himself.

Just then, a fissure opened and Percy was thrown out.

"Percy," Annabeth said. "How did you come out of Tartarus?"

"Eh," Percy said. "I was down there in Tartarus, but then the guys there said that they didn't want me there and so they threw me out."

Everyone nodded. Now that, they could believe.

"W'ever child," Zeus said. "You may choose something for your bravery that we will grant."

"Okay," Percy said. "You see, this is my last book. This means that people will forget about me once this is over. I want that Percy Jackson and the Olympians should continue, preferably for another five books with me as the main character."

"'kay," Zeus said.

Several months later, when Percy remembered his wish, he realized that he should have asked to be the only main character.

* * *

**A/N: So that's it. Tell me which story you like best out of the three, and also if you might like to see some other things like this in the future.**


	10. We Get a Whale Ride

Frank hated Ding Dongs. He hated snakes. And he hated his life.

No wait, ignore all of that. What he really hated was Percy.

They had all decided that dragging him towards the convenience store was their best option. They had to be wary of those evil garden gnomes as they trekked up the hill, but luckily they didn't find any.

Inside, Percy finally seemed to regain consciousness.

"It's fine that you're here," Iris said. "But somebody needs to take care of those garden gnomes outside. No one likes them."

"Why?" Frank asked.

"They're- evil," Percy said. "Don't you know how garden gnomes always seem to be able to move by themselves, or haven't you ever wondered how your shoe got on top of a gnome before? They're like the opposite of Santa's elves."

Percy and Hazel went to get some tea while Iris wanted to talk.

"Now child," Iris said. "I just wanted to tell you that that piece of wood in your pocket, you will be holding it when it burns."

"I already know that," Frank said. "That's why I tried to do everything to get rid of it. But I can't. I mean, I tried throwing it away, dumping it in the river, mailing it to Africa, giving it to an eagle, but this piece of wood is just like Percy AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY I CAN'T GET RID OF IT!" Frank shouted.

"Have you tried burning it?" Percy shouted from another room before Hazel punched him.

"Anyway," Iris said. "If you want to leave here, you must defeat the garden gnomes which are gathered outside the shop."

"How do I do that?"

"Use kung fu!" Percy shouted from another room.

"Percy, just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean that I know kung-fu," Frank said.

"Then turn into a panda. They have natural kung-fu abilities," Percy said.

Frank ignored him and went outside. Everything was fine until, a gnome jumped out of the bushes.

"Gee," Frank said. "I wish my dad had given me something earlier like a spear that would help me attack these people."

It seems that Mars had been too busy beating up Percy to bother.

"Oh well," Frank thought. "I bet I can still beat them."

Ten minutes later, Frank was lying on the floor bruised while a garden gnome was aiming a dagger at his throat.

Just then, the door to the convenience store broke down and it revealed Percy swinging a huge candy cane.

"Whoa," Hazel said. "Once he started feeling better he ate around ten pounds of candy in three seconds. I didn't even know that was possible."

"I know," Fleecy said. "It was totally wicked, man."

"Uh, can you guys help me?" Frank asked. "And why is Fleecey talking like that?"

Before anyone could move, Percy, under the influence of his sugar rush, started swinging his cane around and smashing the gnomes. He was done in around five seconds.

But then, Frank noticed something. Percy wasn't some sort of pet that could be controlled. He could see a crazy gleam in his eyes form all the sugar he'd had. This guy was dangerous. He was a vicious killing machine, which could barely be controlled by even Mars.

"Piñata!" Percy shouted and swung his candy cane at Frank. "Panda piñata!" he shouted.

"Wait Percy," Frank said. "I'm not a piñata. And how come you think I'm a panda?"

This, however, was not the time for random questions like this as Percy began chasing after Frank while swinging his cane and yelling "Give me candy!"

"That's the power of sugar," Iris said.

"Will someone please help me?" Frank shouted.

"Look," Hazel said. "This is Percy we're talking about. Outsmart him somehow."

Frank thought about it. "Look Percy! There are pillow pets over there!"

Percy turned around and while he started running around in circles until the sugar rush ended and he collapsed.

In the end, Hazel and Frank had to drag him away towards wherever they were going.

Five minutes later they wounded back at the store.

"Are we lost?" Hazel asked.

"No, we know where we are," Frank said. "But maybe we shouldn't have asked directions from that blind man."

"Blind man?" Hazel asked. "Why would you ask directions from a blind man? I didn't know he was blind."

"He was wearing sunglasses."

"I thought he was just trying to you know, look cold," Hazel said.

"Cool," Frank said. "And he also had a guide dog. That's the last time I ask a blind man to guide us when I'm lost."

"So why did you ask him for directions?" Hazel asked.

Frank just stood there. "Oh no, I think Percy's contagious."

"So, how do we go on?" Hazel asked.

Just then Percy woke up. "Don't worry guys. After all, I'm a son of Poseidon/Neptune/Santa Claus, Presentbringer, Earthshaker, Lord of the Sea and River, Father of Horses and Reindeer. I'll just fix us up a ride again."

Percy ran over to the ocean and started making weird whale noises.

A whale surfaced from the ocean. They had a conversation which went something like this:

Percy: So, like, how's the sea nowadays?

Whale: Like always.

Percy: Really? I'm beginning to think that it's getting a bit too wet.

Whale: The sea is too wet?

Percy: Yup. And I just wanted you to carry my chocolate factory all across the land up the mountain and over a railroad.

Whale: ... dude, are you high or something?

Percy: I'll keep talking if you don't agree to help us.

Whale: Okay.

And that's how they got themselves a ride.


	11. Percy Has A Plan

**A/N: WaitingForLife2Begin, if you're wondering where I get these ideas, well, they come from a dark, deep, desolate part of my mind which thinks sort of how Percy thinks like.**

"Um, Frank," Hazel said. "Why are we dancing on top of a whale to the _Shake it Up! _theme song?"

"I don't know," Frank said after dancing for around five minutes. "I just remember Percy spraying seawater on me and then telling me we had to start dancing."

Both of them realized what they had both just said after two minutes and then called Percy.

"Why are we doing this?"

"Eh. I wanted to audition for the show," Percy said. "So I thought we should all practice for it together."

Hazel decided to cook breakfast while Percy had his head handed to him.

"So anyway," Frank said. "We have to go find the guy, you know, Phineas and ask him. Once we get on land. Good thing we have money."

"Uh, about that," Percy said. "You know how people say you should always have clean money? So, I decided to clean everything we had in the sea but sort of forgot how to take it out."

"Percy, I have several things to say," Frank said. "One, when people say 'clean money' they don't mean literally clean, instead they mean money you've earned through hard work. Two, if you wanted to clean our money why oh why would you throw it all into the ocean of all places. And three, why didn't you just use your water powers to get it out?"

"Look a bunny," Percy said happily as he watched the clouds. He had list interest after Frank had said 'I'.

Once they finally landed, they all got off. Percy forgot to take their stuff again and the whale later sold all of it on eBay.

"So, now how do we find a blind man?" Hazel asked.

"Look, I have a plan," Percy said. Hazel and Frank groaned. From experience, they had known that they were going to lose several brain cells. "Look, I'll blindfold myself, and start using the Force to sense where he is."

Frank eventually just looked up the guy's name in a yellow book.

Once they reached there, they saw the usual thing with Phineas swatting away harpies.

Percy, however, was constantly turning around.

"What are you looking for?" Frank asked.

"Um, well, we've found Phineas, but where's that other British guy who only says one line per episode?" Percy asked.

Frank and Hazel ignored him and walked towards the guy.

"Who is he again?" Hazel asked.

"Oh," Phineas said. "The thing is, I'm a prophet. Occasionally, I come across plot spoilers and spout them out randomly. The gods didn't want me giving the plot away, so the cursed but then, you know what, just read the script."

Then the whole hand-Ella-over thing happened and Percy refused and all.

"I have a plan," Percy said. "Give me _The Son of Neptune _script."

* * *

They all walked towards Phineas again.

"I have another deal," Percy said. "We've got two flasks of gorgon's blood. One heals. One kills. If you're wondering as to how we got them since we didn't ever kill any gorgons, I don't know either but just go with me here for a second. They look exactly the same. The right one could even cure your blindness."

Phineas held out his hands eagerly. "Let me feel them. Let me smell them."

"Not until you agree to our terms."

A villainous laugh is hard to pull off when you're wearing pink bunny slippers, but Phineas gave it his best shot. "Very well, demigod. What are your terms?"

"You get to choose a vial," Percy said. "No uncorking, no sniffing before you decide."

"That's not fair! I'm blind."

"And I don't have your sense of smell," Percy countered. "You can hold the vials. And I'll swear on the River Styx that they look identical. They're exactly what I told you: gorgon's blood, one vial from the left side of the monster, one from the right. And I swear that none of us knows which is which."

"The loser dies, obviously," Phineas said. "That kind of poison would probably keep even me from coming back to life…for a long time, at least. My essence would be scattered and degraded. So I'm risking quite a lot."

"But if you win, you get everything," Percy said. "If I die, my friends will swear to leave you in peace and not take revenge. You'd have your sight back, which even Gaea won't give you."

"If I lose," the old man said, "I'll be dead, unable to give you information. How does that help you?"

Percy was glad he'd talked this through with his friends ahead of time. Frank had suggested the answer.

"You write down the location of Alcyoneus's lair ahead of time," Percy said. "Keep it to yourself, but swear on the River Styx it's specific and accurate. You also have to swear that if you lose and die, the harpies will be released from their curse."

Phineas scratched himself. "But it's weird. All of this seems to be going on exactly as it is supposed to in the script. Shouldn't something stupid and random have happened by now?"

The game began despite all the weird things. Frank and Hazel had no idea what Percy's plan was, but they were sure it was going to be dumb.

Before Phineas could open one up though, he suddenly screamed.

"Take that Phineas!" Percy shouted. "I had my pet scorpion which I've been keeping in my pocket all this time. We never made a promise regarding that, and now you're dead and we can take that envelope.

Phineas dissolved because of course, that scorpion had poison from the depths of Tartarus.

"Percy," Frank said. Both him and Hazel had been speechless for several minutes because Percy's plan had actually worked. "You were carrying a pet scorpion from the depths of Tartarus in your pocket all this time?"

"Yup," Percy said. He started stroking his pet scorpion which purred oddly.

And so, they all embarked to go to other places with Ella. Percy kept referring to her as 'backup food supply', but we're sure he was joking. We think.


	12. The Return of French Grover

**A/N: The Heroes of Olympus Parody is written before a live studio audience.**

Jason, Piper, and Leo were about to land in some sort of hotel towards the north.

"So, we have to visit Boreas?" Leo asked. "What is he, the god of boring?"

That joke was so horrible that Jason and Piper threw Leo into a nearby river.

And yes, the water was freezing so he ended up getting hypothermia. Of course, as he was the seventh wheel and all, nobody cared.

There was a sign on top of the hotel. It said 'The Fake French Accent Convention of the World'.

Jason and Piper walked in. There were a lot of people talking in bad French accents. There was also a lot of French stuff, like a miniature version of the Eiffel Tower and such.

"They do know french fries aren't French, right?" Piper asked as she pointed to a table.

"Ah," Jason said. "French fries aren't French. It's disappointing to see that the writing staff are reusing all their old jokes from the The Lightning Thief Parody."

They found Boreas because, he was, undoubtedly the most boring of all the people gathered there.

Suddenly, when they said that they were demigods, both of them were immediately captured.

"Our master, the leader of The Fake French Accents Convention, has ordered that all demigods be captured," Boreas said.

"But who's your leader? Is it Gaea? Is it Aeolus? Or maybe that hobo Kronos?" Jason asked.

Of course, it was neither of the above. The leader of the Fake French Accents Union was the one with the fakest accent of them all, one whose fake Frenchness was legendary throughout the world.

It was Grover.

"Why Grover?" Piper asked. "Why'd you betray camp and join the dark side?"

"Izn't it obvious?" Grover asked. His accent was so horrible that Jason and Piper, both unused to it, had to cover their ears. "What have I gained from helping zat Percy Jackson in his adventures? Even then, I waz nothing but a minor character, and now, when 'ze sequel is out, even 'zat post has been taken from me. Now zer are seven demigods, and what of me, Grover? I have been left at the side, nothing, even less than a minor character. But all 'zat will change. I vill join the dark side, and become a villain. And then, I vill make my own book series, title, ''Ze Adventures of Grover, Lord of Ze Wild'. And I might even have a cooking show. I 'ave always wanted one."

"It's not like that," Jason said. "I'm sure that Percy cares about you."

"He said in chapter three that he doesn't care if I die," Grover said.

"You're right," Jason admitted. "Percy doesn't care about you. But let's think about it. Percy is a complete diva and a stuck-up jerk. But that doesn't mean that the rest of camp doesn't appreciate you. I'm sure there are lots of people in the PJO fandom who think that you're important."

"Perhaps you do have a point," Grover said.

"And anyway, you don't have a mustache," Jason said. "All evil French villains have mustaches. And preferably a monocle."

Grover nodded. "Do you truly think the people at Camp Half-Blood like me?"

Piper and Jason nodded.

Just then, an Iris message appeared. It was Chiron.

"Hello there young losers," he said. "I wanted to call earlier but I was too busy reading Narnia fanfiction. So anyway, I wanted to say that it's best if you fail in your quest because no one here wants Percy back. And oh yeah, tell Grover that no one wants him either if you meet up with him."

The Iris message disconnected. Grover looked at Jason and Piper.

"Kill them!" he shouted.

Just then, Piper used her ability to French since she was an Aphrodite girl and all.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," Jason said. "Hold on there a minute. Piper can speak French because she's a daughter of Aphrodite? That makes... no sense at all. I mean like seriously, what' wrong with whoever's writing this fanfic?"

"Uh actually," someone said, "it was in the original book too."

Jason read through _The Lost Hero. _It was only then that he was satisfied. "No seriously, Rick, I am disappointed."

The others, however, were astounded. The fact that someone was speaking in perfectly fine French was too much for some of them who began crying.

It was then that they decided to run away.

They saw Leo outside who was still suffering from brain freeze but they managed to take off.

As they were flying, they noticed that Festus was behaving erratically.

"Um, Leo, did you fuel him up properly?" Piper asked.

"Look, guys, this dragon is mine. I'll know when it needs gas," Leo said.

After a while, Festus stopped moving and they all started plummeting towards the earth.

"Now we need gas," Leo said.

"Leo, do you have any gas right now?" Jason asked.

"Nah," Leo said. "We'll just go to a gas station."

"Leo," Piper said. "We're ten thousand feet up in the air."

"Oh," Leo said, realizing the problem. "Sorry guys, but I think the hypothermia thing stopped me from thinking properly."

They all plummeted towards the ground. Jason helped them survive, but then both he and Piper fell unconscious.

Leo started fixing up Festus, but then the face of Gaea appeared in the ground.

"Psst," she said. "Wanna hear a joke?"

"What?" Leo asked.

"The seven of the prophecy are in a room. The light bulb goes out. Who fixes it?" she asked.

"Who?"

"Leo. Because the others are too busy making out!" she said.

"Burn!" Jason said somehow even though he was unconscious.

"No, like seriously," Gaea said. "Join me, Leo, otherwise you'll end up just being extra baggage for the rest of your life. The only girl who will sort of like you will be someone named Hazel who you can't date since she like your grandpa and is already friends with Frank."

"No," Leo said.

"Very well. But trust me child, you will be mine!" she shouted and dissolved into the ground.


	13. Chinese Panda Man

**A/N: Sorry guys, I accidentally uploaded the wrong document for this chapter, which is why I guess you were all saying that his made no sense at all. I'm really sorry. And this chapter switches to Percy's POV, if you must know.**

Even before she got onto the boat, Hazel was queasy.

This probably had to do with the fact that Percy was screaming "Tidal wave!" all the time and really rocking the boat.

"Percy!" Frank shouted. "Stop rocking the boat and use your water powers to get us out of here."

"I can't," Percy said. "I'm out of mana."

"Percy," Frank said, "I don't have time for your stupidity at the moment right now."

"Don't worry," Percy said. "I had a few mana potions back at the store."

Frank really didn't have time for all this, so they started on their voyage.

And soon, Hazel and Frank had their secret vision together.

Percy saw that Frank had fainted and shouted, "Frank's gone unconscious! Quick, somebody get me some bamboo."

Of course, Ella was the only one who could explain things to him.

"Percy, Frank is not a panda. And secondly, do not worry, they're merely having a vision together and trying to please the Frazel fangirls," Ella said.

"How do you know all of that?" Percy asked.

"The thing is Percy," Ella answered. "I've read each and every one of the five books. Even before they were released. So now I know all of them and can spoil the entire plotline at any time I wish."

"Why are you talking in broken sentences?" Percy asked.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Oh, fine then, Percy," Ella said. There really was no arguing with this kid.

When Frank and Hazel woke up, they noticed that Percy was giggling oddly.

"What?" Frank asked. He then peered into the water and saw his face.

"While you two were unconscious," Percy said holding up a permanent marker, "I drew all over your faces with marker and posted stupid stuff on your Facebook accounts for you."

"WHAT?" Frank shouted and began checking his Facebook account. In the last few hours, he had apparently liked My Little Pony, posted that Percy was absolutely flawless, and changed his occupation to panda.

As for Hazel who still didn't know how much of it worked, she saw that Percy had only posted one thing, that she had broken up with Frank because he wanted to be a panda with Percy.

After a long painful afternoon (for Percy) they finally managed to land near the city where they were supposed to go to the Amazons.

"Where do we find them?" Frank asked.

"Go into an Amazon store," Ella said. "Trust me, I've seen what happens so I'm going to fly away."

As Percy, Frank, and Hazel walked into the store, they immediately seized by a bunch of amazons and taken to their queen.

"So, what do we have here?" she asked.

"I'm Percy Jackson," Percy said. "And I'm absolutely flawless."

Everyone paused for a second. "Are... you sure he doesn't need a therapist?"

"Trust me, we've tried," Frank said.

Percy was escorted out of the room to go and get some professional help.

"What are you going to do with Frank?" Hazel asked.

"Don't worry. We'll take care of your magical talking panda while you talk to our queen."

"Wait," Frank said. "I'M NOT A PANDA!"

Frank was dragged away by amazons who kept saying that they had a nice stash of fresh bamboo for him.

That left Hazel alone with the queen.

"You see," the queen said, "throughout history the amazons have changed their leaders and decided them through only one way. By playing Jenga."

"Jenga?" Hazel asked.

"Eh, it used to be Mortal Kombat 3 and Mythomagic before that, but we have a problem," she said. "Otreta has risen again, and with the help of Gaea, she can't die now, but I can."

"How is that a problem if all you're doing is playing Jenga?" Hazel asked.

"The loser explodes," Queen Hylla said. "So of course it matters."

"That's... sort of extreme."

"So anyway," Queen Hylla said, "we need you to go free Thanatos and stop the censor board. Only then can I remain as queen and help the Romans. Possibly."

"So," Hazel said. "What do you want me to do?"

"I'll give you our horse," Qeen Hylla said. "He's waay too expensive to keep since he eats gold, and that's at the prices gold is at now-a-days, really..."

Hazel's neck tingled. Gold. Maybe she could use this.

Five minutes later, she had burst out of the room riding Arion.

"Where's Percy?" she called back to them.

"He was getting seen by psychiatrists. Now locked up in the mental ward."

"Percy?"

"No, the psychiatrists."

Let's all have a moment of silence for the therapists who gave up their lives trying to cure Percy.

And anyway, Percy was already at Frank's cage.

"Why isn't he eating any bamboo?" one of the amazon guards asked.

"I'm not a panda," Frank sobbed miserably from within his cage.

And then Percy and Hazel broke him out while Percy hummed some jailbreaking music which annoyed everyone as they finally got to Arion.

"Is that thing tame?" Frank asked.

"I don't think so," Percy said. "He just said that he'll squish our panda if we talk too much."

"He can't kill a panda!" Hazel said. "They're endangered."

"I think you two are missing the point here..." Frank said.

After a while they finally arrived near Frank's grandma's house.

But of course, it was surrounded by cannibals.

"How do we get through these guys?" Percy asked.

"I have a plan, but it won't be pretty," Frank said. He sighed, he wasn't sure if he could control it this time. He had taken some candy from the amazons and then fed it all to Percy.

"Now Percy, kill-" Percy didn't hear anything beyond that in is sugar rush and started running around the ogres and slashing them with styrofoam.

This guy really is a monster, Frank thought.

Frank decided to visit his grandma, but was surprised to see that Mars was there instead.

"Look, kid, I have something I need to tell you about," Mars said. "About fatal flaws. Remember, every single hero has one. Except Percy. It's hard for me to say this, but he's absolutely flawless."

For somer reason, the music from that song began playing from nowhere before Mars shut it off with a flick of his fingers.

"Right," Frank said, unsure of how any of this mattered to him. "But he's a total idiot and a stuck-up jerk."

"Yeah, but he's also the main character," Mars said. "So, shut up and do whatever he says."

Mars vanished. Frank sank to the ground. Today was not his day. He had been called a panda and locked up in a cage, and that didn't exactly help his self-esteem.

Frank began closing his eyes when someone shouted,

"Frank's falling unconscious! Quick, someone get me some bamboo."


End file.
